BDSM: it is probably misunderstood just as often as it is fantasized about. BDSM is intriguing in every way and has the reputation of being one of the more kinky 'bedroom activities'. And while it is certainly exciting, that kinky reputation may raise the threshold for some people to bring their BDSM fantasies to life.

And that is a shame, because BDSM is not abnormally kinky (Fifty Shades of Grey is not so popular for nothing) and is absolutely suitable for beginners. In this article, we would like to offer some guidance for that.

Table of contents

What is BDSM?

The abbreviation BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. Each of these are words that carry weight, but in the context of BDSM, they are of course not meant negatively.

It is nothing new. We know, for example, that the ancient Greeks already had places where men and women gathered to give or receive whiplashes for sexual pleasure.

BDSM is essentially an umbrella term, in which the six abbreviated words form three pairs of two:

Bondage and discipline
Here, someone is tied up or restrained with mutual consent, for example with ropes or handcuffs.

Dominance and submission
This refers to the role play, the distribution of roles, or power play: one partner takes a dominant role, while the other partner becomes submissive.

Sadism and masochism
In other words, sadomasochism: experiencing (or inflicting) pain for erotic pleasure.

BDSM therefore encompasses countless forms of eroticism and sexuality. Additionally, BDSM plays a different role in different people's lives. For one person, it is an extra exciting foreplay, something for an occasional adventurous evening with a partner. For another, it is part of a daily lifestyle.

Why do people find BDSM exciting?

There are countless reasons why people find BDSM pleasurable and exciting. So many people, so many desires.

One person finds the play with power erotic - for example, receiving or giving BDSM commands. Another finds the exploration of their own boundaries exciting. Yet another is looking for unknown sensations and experiences, enjoys experiencing some pain, finds it thrilling to play a different role, or finds it liberating to be a different part of themselves than in everyday life.

And it is certainly not abnormal. Fifty Shades of Grey has made BDSM mainstream, and that would not have been possible if it had not appealed to so many people. BDSM fantasies also feature prominently in the top 10 of women's fantasies.

Embarking on an adventure together: discuss your wishes

Do you feel like experimenting with your partner? Then the first step is of course to talk about it. A good approach is to discuss fantasies and wishes together. You can share your fantasies and what you would like to try.

Not everyone shares the same fantasies and interests, and what may be very exciting for you does not have to be for your partner. Rather, most people have different wishes and fantasies, so if you and your partner have exactly the same desires, that would be quite a coincidence. But the BDSM field is broad, and who knows where your partner's interests lie.

So don't be disappointed if your partner doesn't react enthusiastically right away. Give each other time and space to think about it. Encourage your partner to come up with their own ideas. Be open to the other's input - after all, you do it together.

Many women and men find it difficult to bring up BDSM. You can also discuss your desire for more adventurous sex without using the term BDSM at all.

Need help with the conversation?
Then opt for an erotic game in which questions about sexual desires and wishes come up playfully. Or find an erotic BDSM story and read it aloud to each other.

Goede BDSM-spellen voor koppels

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Where do you begin?

A good starting point is a fantasy. It is a creative source of inspiration and at least you know which acts seem exciting to you. You can discover together how, and to what extent, they are exciting in practice too.

Another way is to simply start experimenting. By going on a discovery journey together and trying some things. This way you can also find out what you want to do again, what not, or perhaps differently next time.

There is no need to be afraid

Don't be afraid to take the first steps without background knowledge. Very little can go wrong. Of course, you shouldn't immediately start with large whips or tie someone up with a mountain of ropes. But you already know that.

Just take it step by step and go have fun, play, and enjoy together.

Play a role-playing game

During BDSM, the roles are different from everyday life - it is a kind of role play. Usually there is a dominant and a submissive partner.

There are countless role-playing games you can play, and just as many ways they can be played. Think of popular role plays such as guard-prisoner, student-teacher, doctor-patient, and pimp-escort. Or read the erotic comics by Milo Manara for inspiration.

Role play brings out creativity and imagination, and it can be liberating to step into someone else's shoes.

Tip for making it more realistic:
Prepare the room together. Clothing and props can contribute to creating an exciting experience. It is easier to get into your role with appropriate clothing and accessories.

When you are ready, the partner who will be submissive stays behind in the room, while the dominant partner leaves the room. This gives you both the chance to get into your 'role'. When the dominant partner re-enters the room, the dynamics are naturally as they should be.

Sfeerfoto bondage handen geboeid met touw en tuigje

Probeer bondage

Met bondage wordt de bewegingsvrijheid ingeperkt. Dat kan op allerlei manieren. Benen of armen kunnen aan het bed worden vastgebonden, er kan een harnas of keurslijf gedragen worden of er kunnen simpelweg sexy handboeien worden gebruikt.

Voor het vastbinden volstaat zo'n beetje alles, van touwen, tot riemen en sjaals. Doe dit alles wel veilig en met verstand. Knopen en touwen mogen niet zo strak zitten dat de doorbloeding belemmerd wordt, en de omgeving moet natuurlijk veilig zijn. De vastgebonden partner kan zichzelf niet goed opvangen, dus voorkom onbedoeld vallen en stoten.

Bondage is een laagdrempelige vorm van BDSM. Er zijn weinig tot geen accessoires nodig en het is in veel gradaties mogelijk. Begin bijvoorbeeld eens met alleen een blinddoek, speellint, of een losjes vastgebonden touw.

Bondage sets voor beginners

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Enjoying pain and spanking

Besides role play and bondage, there is 'pain for pleasure'. Pain and pleasure are closely intertwined. You and your partner can discover together where the boundaries lie. This applies to both the person causing the pain and the receiver.

During the role play, the dominant partner can punish the tied-up submissive partner. For example, through 'spanking'. You can start by doing this with your hand. By spanking with your hand, you can gauge the impact on your partner. By feeling how warm the skin becomes, for instance.

Besides the hand, a paddle or whip (also called a flogger) can be used. Here too, always continue to use your common sense.

For example, strike the middle of the buttocks, where the body fat is, and not on the tailbone, the spine, or the intimate parts. The goal should remain erotic pleasure, but it may - as long as the partner consents - hurt a little. Start gently, build up the tension. Observe and experience what you and your partner find exciting.

Other ways of experimenting with pain stimuli:

Using cold (ice cubes, for example), the heat of candle wax (from a specially designed candle), nipple clamps, or clitoral clamps.

Explore together which form of pain is erotically exciting. Don't start immediately with the most intense pain stimulus - build up gradually and push the boundary together, but never cross it.

Tepelklemmen voor lichte pijnstimulatie

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Playing with flogger, whip, and paddle: good to know

Spanking and flogging are the most common BDSM activities, but from the outside it can look very intimidating and threatening. It therefore seems like something only for people who truly enjoy hardcore pain.

It is good to know that it does not have to be painful at all; in fact, with the right stroke, it can be quite relaxing and sensual. It is not necessary to make it about pain or discomfort; many floggers are made from very soft materials such as suede or deerskin, and are very, very gentle and friendly. These kinds of floggers, which are easy to learn and safe to use, make a great introduction to the refined and varied art of flogging.

The same applies to using a paddle. This is an exciting and accessible BDSM toy that is very simple to use. You can give small, refined taps that make the skin tingle, and if you wish, also deliver somewhat firmer strikes. You don't need any practice - very little can go wrong, giving you the time to safely and relaxedly experiment together. For beginners, a paddle is therefore recommended.

Usage:
Start very gently. Tap softly on the buttock and then gently rub over it with the paddle. Alternate the location - don't keep hitting the same buttock. To enhance the sensation, you can block one sense (for example, the eyes with a blindfold). And here too: discuss it first and agree on a safe word.

Floggers, zwepen en paddles

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Boundaries and safe words

While every person has fantasies and wishes, everyone also has their own boundaries. Not all boundaries are the same.

Soft boundaries: Things that don't seem exciting to you but that you are willing to try to please your partner.

Hard boundaries: Things you really do not want, and this can be anything. It may involve specific acts, but it can also be words that you don't want said to you.

Think about them and discuss them together. It creates a secure, safe environment in which you can enjoy the play together.

Code words
Agreeing on a code word can build in extra security to set a clear boundary. When the code word is spoken, the other person stops immediately.

Often two code words are chosen: one to immediately stop everything and talk about it, and another word to stop the current activity and move on to something else. With the first code word, play is halted entirely; with the second, it is not.

Agreeing on and using a code word should not be seen as something drastic or intense by either of you. You cannot agree on all boundaries in advance, and often you don't know what you find unpleasant until you experience it.

Conclusion and aftercare

It is important to bring such an experience to a proper close together. Needs may differ here as well.

For instance, one person may find it very important to be held and hear tender words, while the other may prefer to withdraw. Try to meet each other's needs, even if wishes are opposite.

Ultimately, you both want a wonderful experience, and everyone is equally important in this.

Take your time

BDSM is all about the experience. It is really more foreplay than sex. In fact, penetration is not even necessary.

The exciting experience of dominating or being submissive, the pain stimuli, and restriction of freedom can be very erotic. Tension is built with it, and that can of course lead to sex. But don't rush into it.

Enjoy the play and take your time - then there is the greatest chance that it will become a special experience for both of you.

Curious about more ways to build tension? Also read our tips on sensual massage or discover the basics of tantra for an even deeper connection.

Onze selectie om te beginnen

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Frequently Asked Questions

What is BDSM?

BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. It is an umbrella term for intimate practices centred around bondage, dominance and submission, and/or the exchange of pain stimuli.

Is BDSM suitable for beginners?

Yes, BDSM is absolutely suitable for beginners. Start with simple activities such as a blindfold or light bondage, discuss wishes and boundaries beforehand, and always use a safe word. Build up gradually.

How do you start with BDSM as a beginner?

Start with an open conversation about fantasies and boundaries. Begin with gentle forms such as a blindfold or playful handcuffs. Agree on a safe word and take the time to discover together what you find exciting.

What is a safe word in BDSM?

A safe word is an agreed-upon word that immediately stops all activities when spoken. Often two words are used: one to stop completely and one to stop only the current activity.

What is bondage?

Bondage is the consensual tying up or restricting of freedom of movement, for example with handcuffs, ropes, or scarves. It is an accessible form of BDSM that is possible in many degrees of intensity.

What is aftercare in BDSM?

Aftercare is the care given after a BDSM session. This can include being held, kind words, a blanket, or quiet time together. It helps to properly conclude and process the intense experience.

Is spanking safe?

Spanking is safe if you strike the right areas (the centre of the buttocks where there is fat) and not on the tailbone, spine, or intimate areas. Start gently, build up gradually, and always communicate with your partner.

What is the difference between a flogger and a paddle?

A flogger has multiple leather or suede straps and delivers a softer, more dispersed sensation. A paddle is a flat object that delivers more targeted strikes. Both are suitable for beginners when used gently.

7 comments

Hi Hennik
Ik zie dat je berichtje al wat ouder is en hopelijk hebben jullie al een stapje gezet. Mijn man en ik zijn 27 jaar samen en sinds vorig jaar is ons sexleven 360 graden gedraaid. Allebei hadden we extremere fantasieën maar durfde dit niet met elkaar te bespreken. Het heeft tijd nodig. Mijn man heeft stiekem sex gehad met een andere dame en ik merkte dat ik dat spannend vond. Ik kwam erachter en was verdrietig maar totaal niet boos. Na lang praten hoe dat zo is gekomen hebben we allebei onze gevoelens op tafel gelegd en is er een heerlijke wereld open gegaan. Hoop oprecht dat dit bij jullie ook is gebeurd.

Anoniem

Beste Helene, ik zou dit ook graag willen maar mijn vrouw vindt dit helemaal niets.
Heb talloze artikelen van het “nut” hiervan tbv de vrouw laten zien/lezen maar is hier niet van onder de indruk.
Externe “keyholder” lijkt me zelf niet wat.
Graag je advies hierin.

Dank je en liefs van Hennik

Anoniem

Mijn vriend draagt een kuisheidskooi waarvan ik de sleutel om mijn nek draag zodat hij die iedere dag ziet.
Ik “bevrijd” hem 2 keer in de maand en het is dan geweldig om te zien hoe hij hiervan geniet, hij komt dan enorm lekker klaar.
Hij kan ook vaker “bevrijd” worden maar hier moet hij punten voor verdienen door extra lief te zijn en mij goed verwennen.
Dit vinden wij beiden een enorm opwindend spelletje.

Anoniem

Ik verlang naar een meesteres, wilt u mij een kans geven en opleiden a,u b, ik ben 63 jaar oud, 1,86 m, breed gebouwd en gespierd. Ik heb wel een buikje hoor, en woon in denbosch, dank u wel meesteres, grt victor

Anoniem

Hi Hennik
Ik zie dat je berichtje al wat ouder is en hopelijk hebben jullie al een stapje gezet. Mijn man en ik zijn 27 jaar samen en sinds vorig jaar is ons sexleven 360 graden gedraaid. Allebei hadden we extremere fantasieën maar durfde dit niet met elkaar te bespreken. Het heeft tijd nodig. Mijn man heeft stiekem sex gehad met een andere dame en ik merkte dat ik dat spannend vond. Ik kwam erachter en was verdrietig maar totaal niet boos. Na lang praten hoe dat zo is gekomen hebben we allebei onze gevoelens op tafel gelegd en is er een heerlijke wereld open gegaan. Hoop oprecht dat dit bij jullie ook is gebeurd.

Anoniem

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