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Sexual preferences and kinks: facts, figures and nuance

Sexuality is far more diverse than most people realise. Topics we once whispered about with red cheeks now come up quite naturally. Sexual preferences, fetishes, kinks and BDSM crop up increasingly in conversations, social media, books and films. But what exactly do they mean? And perhaps even more interesting: how many people are actually interested in them?

Spoiler: more than you think. This guide takes you through the world of sexual diversity. We explore the most common preferences, share the latest Dutch research figures and help you understand that your own interests are probably perfectly normal.

Kinks, fetishes and sexual preferences explained

Let us begin with the basics, as these terms are frequently confused, even though they mean quite different things.

A sexual preference is the broadest concept and, truthfully, we all have them. Whether you are attracted to blonde people, favour a particular approach in bed, or become aroused by specific fantasies – sexual preferences are as natural as breathing; everyone has them.

A kink goes a step further. This is an unconventional sexual interest that differs from what is considered mainstream. Think of BDSM, role play or the use of toys. The word 'kink' is increasingly accepted as a neutral term. No judgment, simply… different from average.

A fetish is the most specific and intense. Here, you genuinely need a particular object, body part or situation to become sexually aroused. In medical literature this is called fetishism. It concerns a persistent and intense arousal by inanimate objects or non-genital body parts lasting at least six months. By fetish we mean the specific interest; by fetishism, the phenomenon in general or clinical terms. Only when someone clearly suffers or gets stuck do professionals speak of a fetishistic disorder.

Paraphilias are the overarching scientific term for distinctive sexual preferences or interests such as fetishism, voyeurism and sadomasochism. Paraphilia sounds technical, but it merely describes the type of interest. It only becomes a paraphilic disorder when the interest is long-lasting and leads to clear distress, limitations in daily life or the violation of others' boundaries. Without suffering or harm, it is not a disorder.

The difference, then, lies in how important something is to you. With a preference you think: 'I like this'; with a kink: 'I find this genuinely arousing'; and with a fetish: 'without this, it simply does not work for me'.

How common are sexual preferences?

The figures will surprise you. The Netherlands has conducted extensive research into sexual preferences, and the results show that far more people have specific sexual preferences than was long assumed.

The most recent study from 2023 (Monitor Sexual Health by Rutgers, RIVM and CBS) reveals striking figures among over-25s. Desires for BDSM occur in 10% of men and 7% of women, fetish interests (in objects, body parts or rituals) in 9% of men and 1% of women and voyeurism in 8% of men and 2% of women.

Even more interesting is the development over time. Comparing these figures with the study 'Sexual Health in the Netherlands 2017' by Rutgers, we see a remarkable increase. BDSM desires rose from 4% to 10% among men and from 2.3% to 7% among women. Fetish interests from 4.4% to 9% among men.

Part of this increase is due to greater openness and different survey methods, but it also demonstrates that taboos are disappearing. Thanks to the internet, popular media and more conversations about sexuality, people feel freer to be open about it.

Alongside the Dutch figures, a Belgian population study (n=1,027, 2017) by Holvoet and colleagues in The Journal of Sexual Medicine paints the same picture. 46.8% of Belgians reported having engaged in at least one BDSM activity, 22% fantasised about it, 12.5% do so regularly, 26% call themselves interested in BDSM and 7.6% identify as a practitioner.

The key takeaway? These figures prove that you are absolutely not alone in having specific interests. In every city, thousands of people walk around with comparable preferences. Ordinary people with ordinary jobs, ordinary relationships and, as it turns out, less ordinary fantasies.

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The most common sexual preferences

BDSM and power play

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. It is by far the most widely known and researched form of sexual preference. In a Canadian study (Joyal et al., 2015) in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, many women reported fantasies about dominance and submission (e.g. 64.6% fantasised about being dominated). The recent Dutch figures also speak volumes: 10% of men and 7% of women have experienced desire for it at some point.

BDSM explained in practice

What exactly does BDSM, sometimes referred to as S&M, involve? It revolves around power play, tying up or being tied up, establishing rules and punishments in a sexual context, and sometimes giving or receiving pain (always with mutual consent). Sounds intense? It does not have to be.

BDSM has undergone a considerable image shift. Once tucked away in dark corners, it is now nearly mainstream thanks to films such as Fifty Shades of Grey and series that discuss it openly. That popularity did not arise by chance. For many people, it simply… feels right.

For beginners there is 'soft BDSM'. Think silk ties for light bondage, playful power dynamics where one partner takes the lead or acts submissive, or simply handling things a little more firmly than usual. The Belgian population data shows that handcuffs or rope, a blindfold and ice cubes are among the most tried forms, each tried by roughly a fifth of the population. These are accessible ways to start with soft BDSM, provided there are clear agreements and consent.

An interesting combination is BDSM with edging – building sexual tension by stopping stimulation just before climax. This orgasm control fits perfectly within the power play of BDSM and can enormously heighten the intensity.

Latex, leather and more

Material preferences are particularly popular, with latex and leather as the absolute frontrunners. The Belgian population study found that these materials are by far the most sought-after within this category, with roughly 12% showing clear interest in latex and 15% in leather.

Latex has something magical about it. It fits like a second skin, provides a unique sheen and has that unmistakable scent that drives some people wild. Whether it is latex gloves for a medical role play or a complete latex dress for an evening out, it is a complete sensory experience.

Leather has an entirely different appeal. The rich scent, the texture that becomes softer the more it is worn and the association with dominance make leather a popular material. An elegant leather skirt can be just as arousing as sturdy lederhosen.

What makes material preferences so attractive? It is about much more than mere appearance. These materials smell different, feel different and create an entirely different mood. For people with this preference, it is as if their senses operate on a higher level.

Foot and shoe fetish

According to scientific research, a foot fetish is the most common form of non-genital sexual preference worldwide. A large-scale internet analysis of 381 fetish discussion groups by Scorolli and colleagues (2007) showed that feet and foot-related objects were by far the most frequently occurring fetish.

But what draws people to feet? Some enjoy looking at attractive women's feet. The shape, the way they move. Others find touching and massaging them delightful. For foot enthusiasts, feet can be just as sensitive and erotic as traditionally erogenous zones.

Role play and fantasies

Role play is a common preference in which partners assume different characters. Popular examples: Doctor and patient, teacher and pupil, police officer and suspect, or boss and secretary. Role play enables people to live out fantasies without leaving their normal identity behind. It offers temporary escape from daily roles.

Exhibitionism and voyeurism

These two preferences are closely related. Voyeurism is about watching, exhibitionism about showing. The Dutch figures from 2023 show that voyeurism occurs in 8% of men and 2% of women. Modern forms of expression include webcam broadcasts, the discreet sharing of intimate photographs or experiencing arousal from small risks in semi-public spaces.

Other common preferences

Alongside the main categories mentioned, many other preferences attract considerable numbers of people. Object love (objectophilia) in which people develop emotional and sexual bonds with objects, the fetish for body art such as piercings and tattoos, water play (urophilia) and hair fetish.

These preferences demonstrate just how broad human sexuality truly is. Each has its own psychological background and appeal, and all can be experienced in a healthy way.

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Cultural influences

Sexual preferences are universally human, but their expression is strongly influenced by culture. What is considered normal in the Netherlands or Belgium may be taboo elsewhere, and vice versa.

A foot fetish, for example, has a long cultural history in Asian countries, while in Western countries it has entered the mainstream more recently. BDSM preferences occur in all cultures, but Scandinavian countries are known for their openness about it, while in more conservative societies these practices remain underground.

Even climate can play a role. In cold countries, the preference for leather has traditionally been higher, while in tropical regions lighter materials such as silk are more popular. These cultural differences demonstrate just how diverse human sexuality truly is.

When does a preference become problematic?

Most sexual preferences are entirely harmless. A preference only becomes problematic when it causes significant distress to yourself, creates relationship problems, impairs your daily functioning, is practised against another person's will, or involves illegal activities. When this distress persists for six months, medical manuals speak of a disorder.

For healthy practice, certain principles are essential: all parties must consent voluntarily, physical and emotional safety come first, there must be open communication about boundaries and desires, and naturally, respect for each other's comfort is important.

Communication in relationships

Having a sexual preference within a relationship can be both challenging and enriching. The secret lies in honest, respectful communication. Couples who communicate openly about sexual desires are often more satisfied in their relationship.

Begin the conversation cautiously. Not during sexual activity, but when you are both relaxed. If your partner shows no interest, respect their boundaries. Do not apply pressure, accept a no as an answer and, where possible, seek compromises.

Conclusion: preferences are more normal than you think

Sexual preferences are diverse, complex and surprisingly common. From BDSM to material preferences, from role play to specific body fetishes – the latest studies show time and again that you are absolutely not alone in your interests.

The most wonderful thing of all? Preferences are normal and occur far more frequently than we long thought. The figures do not lie: a very large group of Dutch and Belgian people are interested in what was once labelled unusual. Communication and mutual consent make the difference between healthy pleasure and problems.

Our society is becoming ever more open about sexuality, and that is fantastic news. Taboos are disappearing, people feel less ashamed, communication in relationships improves and more inclusive communities emerge for people with diverse interests.

There is absolutely nothing strange about having a sexual preference. Your sexuality is yours, and as long as you harm no one, you deserve respect and acceptance – from others and from yourself. The chances are that what you find interesting, many more people find interesting than you ever imagined.

Sources

  1. Rutgers. (2023). Monitor Sexual Health 2023. https://rutgers.nl/wp-content/uploads/2024/09/Rapport_monitor_seksuele_gezondheid_2023.pdf
  2. Rutgers. (2017). Sexual Health in the Netherlands 2017. https://rutgers.nl/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Seksuele-Gezondheid-in-Nederland-2017.pdf
  3. Holvoet et al. (2017). Belgian population study (n=1,027). The Journal of Sexual Medicine. https://repository.uantwerpen.be/docman/irua/71d041/145092_2018_08_08.pdf
  4. Joyal et al. (2015). Canadian study. Journal of Sexual Medicine. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25359122/
  5. Scorolli et al. (2007). Large-scale internet analysis of 381 fetish discussion groups. Nature. https://www.nature.com/articles/3901547
  6. Amy Marsh. (2010). Case study on objectum sexuality. Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality. http://www.ejhs.org/volume13/ObjSexuals.htm
  7. Wohlrab et al. (2009). Research on tattoos/piercings. Journal of Individual Differences. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1002/per.642

Veelgestelde Vragen

Hoe weet ik of ik een echte voorkeur heb?

Een echte voorkeur herkent u aan de intensiteit en consistentie van uw interesse. Als u regelmatig, gedurende minstens zes maanden, sterke aantrekking voelt tot specifieke objecten, situaties of lichaamsdelen, dan spreekt men van een specifieke seksuele voorkeur of fetisj.

Kunnen voorkeuren veranderen in de loop van de tijd?

Ja, seksuele interesses kunnen veranderen, sterker worden of zelfs verdwijnen gedurende uw leven. Dit is volkomen normaal en geen reden tot bezorgdheid.

Is het normaal om meerdere voorkeuren te hebben?

Absoluut. Meerdere voorkeuren komen vaak samen. Grote bevolkingsstudies laten zien dat wie één paraphiele interesse heeft, vaak ook andere interesses noemt. In recente surveys geeft rond de helft minstens één paraphiele interesse aan, en een derde heeft ooit zo'n gedrag geprobeerd.

Moet ik mijn voorkeur delen met mijn partner?

Dat is een persoonlijke keuze. Delen kan intimiteit verdiepen, maar alleen als beide partners ervoor openstaan. Gedwongen openheid kan relationele schade veroorzaken.

Wanneer moet ik professionele hulp zoeken?

Zoek hulp wanneer uw voorkeur lijden veroorzaakt, relaties schaadt of uw dagelijks functioneren belemmert. Een seksuoloog of psycholoog gespecialiseerd in seksualiteit kan ondersteuning bieden zonder oordeel.

Zijn seksuele voorkeuren abnormaal of ontstaan ze door trauma?

Nee. Seksuele voorkeuren zijn normale variations en komen vaak voor. Trauma kan soms een rol spelen, maar is geen algemene oorzaak. Meestal spelen leerprocessen, hersenfactoren en cultuur mee.

Kan een voorkeur genezen worden, en zijn voorkeuren alleen iets voor mannen?

Nee. Een voorkeur is geen ziekte om te genezen. Hulp is zinvol wanneer u lijdt of wanneer er problemen ontstaan, met focus op grenzen, veiligheid en omgang. Voorkeuren komen bij alle geslachten voor en zijn niet altijd seksueel; het kan ook gaan over gevoeligheid, esthetiek of rituelen.

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